INTRODUCTION

"Just as having a happy marriage doesn’t guarantee career success (for men or women), not having one doesn’t guarantee failure. If you need proof, look at Nora Ephron, Madeleine Albright, Maya Angelou, Condoleezza Rice, Carly Fiorina, and the thousands of other women who succeeded professionally despite not choosing “well” the first time or not choosing at all. Did you know Maya Angelou married three times? And, although she doesn’t publicize it much, Sandberg is on husband number two. I have tremendous admiration and respect for anyone who picks the “right” partner on the first try. But for those who don’t, --- please don’t believe this will make or break your career success or your happiness.

It won’t. Those things, for the most part, are up to you."

From “Marrying Well Ain’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be” by Andrea Barbalich

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This blog is not a manual about how to find a millionaire, or how to get a beautiful model/actress to fall in love with you, or how to have gorgeous children and live happily ever after. Besides, as the above quote shows, there are hundreds of books on the market that will tell you what YOU THINK you need to know about getting married. But, I am going to tell you what you need to KNOW you KNOW about being the kind of person who wants to and is able to actually be the kind of person someone else wants to marry.

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If you knew me personally, you would probably ask me: “What do you know about being married, since you've never been married?” Well...not legally that is. But, I have had three long-term relationships; lasting over five years each, in which I shared residence, had children, performed housework, signed leases, and did everything else that "married" people do, ---just without having had the ceremony, the big white dress, the big fancy party, getting the presents, the messy divorce or any of the other unnecessary "pomp and circumstances" that most people are accustomed to, and go through sometimes.

Don't be shocked if I tell you some things that you don't want to hear or do.

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If I didn't do that, then I wouldn't be doing my job properly. It is not that love and marriage is hard work, like most relationship counselors want you to think. Love and marriage with THE WRONG PERSON is hard work. Love and marriage to someone WHO DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE about what love and marriage is all about, is hard work. And, love and marriage with someone WHO DOESN'T WANT TO LEARN what love and marriage is all about, is even worse--- and even harder work.

 

This blog is going to be broken down into three sections: PREPARATION, CONTINUATION, AND TERMINATION. These are the things that we need to do "CONSCIOUSLY" before we get into a relationship that hopefully will lead to marriage. I have not had a successful marriage, but I have had several successful relationships. Unfortunately, those relationships did not (and did not have to) culminate in signing papers, having children or going through a nasty and expensive divorce proceeding. Sometimes, marriage just is not "in the cards" for two people, and it is better for those two people to remain friends and keep it moving.

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I. PREPARATION

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One thing I can tell you for sure...I did not choose well, at first. And, I was not prepared to get married. I am still learning, but, I have learned from my past mistakes AND I've gathered enough material to write about it here. Without going into too much personal detail, (because that is not necessary) I can tell you that I wish that I'd had someone to tell me how to do it. ("If I only knew then what I know now!") This is probably the reason that some cultures have arranged marriages. Because young people are too stupid, or too trusting, or too hormone driven to make these types of decisions on their own. In some respects, that may be true. So, why is there not more "MARRIAGE TRAINING" in schools or churches around the world? Well...in some respects there is...but, it is disguised as RELIGIOUS or DATING ADVICE.

 

What I have found is that Religious leaders give people moral advice, and advice on how to be a "good Christian" or a "good Muslim" etc.. They don't teach you how to break out of the mold of your parental upbringing or the society's expectations of your personal behavior in order to be truly happy with your chosen life partner. And, dating advice never truly addresses the PSYCHOLOGICAL aspects of marriage and dating or the MORAL implications of pre-marital sex or fornication. That is because most people don't like to be either told that there may be something wrong with them emotionally, or mentally...nor do they want to be told who they can have sex with or not.

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I do not want to know how to pick a good person. I know what a good person looks and feels like. I want to know what to do when that so-called "good person" turns out to be a jerk or a user, but,now it's too late to get away from them, because you've already put your love and trust in God and in them to "do the right thing"--- but THEY DON'T DO IT! You've prayed and you've prayed and nothing's happened and that's because--- Religion is not a substitute for PSYCHOLOGICAL STABILITY.

 

There are a bunch of religious people running around out here who are trying to get married, or who are already married to other people WHO ARE NOT NORMAL AND WHO HAVE SERIOUS PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS!! And, that, my friend...is the bottom line for all relationship problems...for all business problems...for all religious problems...for all the problems concerning how people get along in this world, in general, period!

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SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN CRAZY! MANY OF THEM NEED THERAPY RIGHT AWAY!

This has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you are gay or straight, believe in a particular religion's tenets or not, have lots of money or not, or whether you are attractive, intelligent, or talented or not. It has everything to do with discovering who you are as a person...so that you can BE the person you want to marry.

 

What's that you say Carla J.? That's right...I said:

"You need to already BE the person whom you wish to attract to marry."

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In the metaphysical world this is called the principal of Mutual Attraction or "like attracts like." You attract to your life the people, situations, jobs, physical objects, etc,...everything that your mind is attracted to and thinks about constantly. But, it is not enough to attract that which you desire...you must know what to do with it after you get it. (Hello!..Be careful of what you wish for... you just might get it!) That is the reason for this blog. I am going to tell you how to attract that which you desire by being prepared for it.

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Because… if you are not ready for it...it’s not going to come.

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The Universe is MUCH SMARTER than you are...it knows what you need even before you know what you need,and it is just laying and waiting for you to recognize the signs that what you want is on the way.

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Did you know that you get married in your mind BEFORE you actually get married in reality? It is mostly little girls who dream of being a mommy; of having a home, taking care of a family, etc. Men sort of just go along with the program and somewhere around college age they figure out that it is about time to find a suitable mate, settle down, have kids, yada, yada, yada. But, it is usually the women in their lives who are the driving force toward them actually getting married. That is why it is so important for the females in a society to be careful about how they approach Life, how they are raised by their parents to approach Life, and how they are raising their own children to approach Life, in general. Whether or not two people eventually decide to marry or divorce, is a decision that will affect a female's entire life from the day she is born until the day she dies. Why??

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It's because females CARRY LIFE!! (period)

 

The progress or downfall of any society can be measured by how well they treat or take care of their female citizens. If your females are abused, mistreated, discriminated against, confused, held down or held back, your society cannot and will not ADVANCE. I don't care how much progress you THINK the world has made up to this point...we are headed for a rude awakening when it comes to how well we have treated women in this ( ie. Western) and many other societies. When you lose respect for the development of your females...you might as well just kiss your future society (ass) good-bye. Therefore, it is paramount for us to concentrate on how well we are raising our daughters. Then and only then will our sons be able to learn how to be father's,--- not from their mothers, but from their fathers who have learned from their fathers, who have learned from their fathers, who have treated the women in their lives with love and respect.

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Do you see where I am going with this? If a son cannot and does not love and respect his own mother...how can he ever hope to learn how to love and respect the other women in his life? A good husband is a good son...and, a good daughter will make a good mother, who in turn will make a good wife...who in turn will keep her husband happy, who in turn will teach his sons how to keep their wives happy.

 

Like the Chinese people say: "Happy wife...happy life."

 

So be very, very careful about who and what influences your children. Learn to be a good parent BEFORE you lay down to share your bodily fluids with ANYONE. We need to work on reversing or improving the marriage material we have within our beings that we have acquired from our parents, and then use that as a FOUNDATION upon which we will build our marriage home. Without that foundation, your pending marriage or the one you have only dreamed about will be a failure before it has ever begun.

 

I don't know many people who were raised by wolves, (although they might act like they were) or people who were totally abandoned at birth by their mothers. SOMEBODY raised you to be the person who you are today. Yes, you have "developed" your personality from the outside influences and the other people you have been around. And, your family dynamics have very much (almost everything) to do with your personal and future marital bliss. That is not to say that if you come from happy parents that you will definitely be happy, or if your parents divorced that your marriage will be an utter disaster.

 

However, we do tend to learn from example. Therefore, if the example you had growing up is not working for you... then just get some new examples! Find out from old married couples what's kept them together. Ask other couples who are happy (or, at least appear to be happy), what's their secret. Read books, take notes, go to classes.

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Do whatever it is you need to do to FIX YOU FIRST. This has absolutely nothing to do with money, what you look like, what you do for a living, or anything like that. It is all about finding out if you are alright with who you are right now. Are you crazy? Did your parents or somebody else in your life make you crazy? Can you get along with people in general under most circumstances? Do you like yourself? Are you socially shy and introverted? Do you hate being around strangers?

 

Because, if you don't like you...nobody else will like you either!

 

This means...you need to get help, get therapy, get saved, get a job, lose weight, lose the attitude, gain confidence, gain weight, workout, get fit, get healthy, get educated, learn etiquette, get sophisticated, get busy, move in, move out, stay put, do or learn whatever it is you KNOW will make YOU a better person for YOU ...not for someone else!

Remember this program is about becoming the person you want to attract to yourself to marry or whatever...and, not about being who the Society says you should be. This is NOT a magic formula. This is going to take hard work and perseverance. The amount of time it's going to take is up to you.

 

Remember...ANYBODY CAN GET MARRIED.

But, it takes a very special person to MARRY WELL!

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II. CONTINUATION

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Before we continue let's recap for a minute…

Let's assume for a moment that you've analyzed your childhood. You know that you have some problems to work out AND you are raising children yourself. So, where do you go from there?

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First off, you are either in a relationship with someone right now...or you are not, right? There is no such thing as a "sometimes" relationship. Let's get real...those situations are called friendships!

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Unless your mate is serving overseas in a battle, or they work for a company that has sent them away on business, or they are scouting out a new location to move your family to...whatever feelings you may have for them, I hope they are pretty secure and they will grow even if they are a thousand or several thousand miles away. That's called a "marriage." That is what legal paperwork, and financial commitment sometimes does for two people.

It STABALIZES THEIR LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES.

 

You know that they are coming home (hopefully) at some point, and the two of you are going to get your lives back in order, and the marriage will continue.

 

But, any other situation is called a "friendship". Even if the two of you have vowed UNDYING LOVE for one another...you are still and should be just friends. Not "friends with benefits", or "they're on my team," or "we're working on it"...none of that.

 

But, the sad thing is that sometimes married people don't like each other, and are not friends, anymore.

 

So, those people need to work on that aspect of their relationship, (seriously) so they can remain married or else their relationship is going to be dead in the water.

So, the basis of any new relationship and even with old relationships, --- is learning how to be someone's FRIEND.

 

So then, let's define FRIENDSHIP: The state or condition of being with or among friends.

And, of course we all know how dictionaries work so now we have to define the word “friend”.

 

OK...So a "friend" is a person whom one KNOWS and with whom one has a "bond" of MUTUAL AFFECTION (that's an important point...so write that one down), typically (but not always) EXCLUSIVE of sexual or family relations. That would imply that once you have crossed that boundary of having sex with someone...that you are no longer just friends. And, that may be absolutely true. That's the reason why when after two people have sex for the first, (or the second or the hundredth) time ---- then they're lying in the bed looking up at the ceiling talking about:

 

"OK...So what do we do now?” “What do we call ourselves now?” "By the way…are you gonna call me tomorrow?" Right?

 

You don't have sex or share bodily fluids with strangers not because the Bible says, or the Torah says, or the Quaran says to not to have premarital sex.

 

It's because: YOU DON'T KNOW THE OTHER PERSON YET… SO YOU HAVE TO WAIT!

 

You don't know if they are healthy. You don't know if they are sane. You don't know if they are loyal. You don't know if they will steal from you or your family. There is a whole boat load of stuff that you just don't know about that other person..unless, you were born and raised with them, have lived with them, or, their Grandma was your babysitter. You know what I am saying? And, even then...there are still some other things you need to know about your complete stranger. Are they ambitious, respectful, worldly, emotionally stabile, lazy, cruel, irresponsible, etc., etc.? The list goes on and on.

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW whether or not they make a lot of money, or drive a nice car, wear real Designer clothing, or if they live in a nice apartment or house.   You need to know if that person is going to support your dreams and aspirations, and are they going to bring you soup when you are sick? You feel me? Personally, I have never had that kind of loyalty in any of my long-term relationships. My so-called mates left me hanging, literally holding the bag, out in the cold, kicked to the curb... because I didn't get the chance to really GET TO KNOW THEM...who they were deep, deep down inside. It went from having sex, to having a family, to having money, to having no money, to not having sex, almost lost my family, and then BOOM!

 

 There was no more relationship because not only was the love missing (did you catch that?)---we were not even friends.

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So, there was no loyalty, no sense of obligation, no compassion, and no sense of duty...nothing to hold the relationship together and all we ended up with was arguments, bickering and severe legal problems.

 

And, it's those legal problems that DESTROY PEOPLES LIVES. Everything from lawsuits, to incarceration, to bankruptcies, to restraining orders, to everything in-between,---that can and will happen in a relationship. Forget about DIVORCES. I can't even TOUCH upon what divorces have done to people's lives. Whew! That's a whole new can of worms there. We could go on about that all day about the destruction caused by getting an untimely divorce!

We're talking about how to NOT get a divorce, BEFORE YOU EVEN GET MARRIED!!

 

The bottom line is...if you don't really get to know your mate, or your potential mate...if you haven't built that foundation of trust and loyalty BEFORE you sign papers,...or you have a baby, or you buy a house, or you're just living together, or you're exposing your children (especially if you expose your children to this other person, too soon) ...

You are setting yourself up for RELATIONSHIP FAILURE!

You are setting yourself up for LIFE FAILURE!

You are destroying your love life before it even get's a chance to take it's first breath.

So...What is your big hurry?

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If you are that impatient, and you can't control your hormones or your emotions, and you just need a place to live, or your money is running low, or "I really, really want to have a baby," or "Oh God...I'm so lonely, I can't stand it" --- No, you can't stand YOU! Something else is going on inside of you. You need to learn how to change your life, first...and, to get healthy (emotionally, spiritually, an physically) before you go around “infecting” other people's lives. Try to fix your own problems, THEN, YOU CAN START THINKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED, either for the first time, for the next time or, for the last time.

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Otherwise, you can and you should pick the option of REMAINING FRIENDS.

Visit with your friends, hang out with them, travel, eat dinner, drink coffee with them and

TALK, TALK, TALK!

Communication is the best thing in the world between friends.

The people with whom I have had the best conversations were among my best relationships.

Common ideas, common goals, common tastes and desires...these are the things that hold friendships together. THEN... after you BOTH agree (WITH YOUR MUTUAL ATTRACTION)... that taking the friendship to THE NEXT LEVEL is something you BOTH want...THEN you can go ahead and do whatever else you want. Until then---put the condoms away, turn off the sexy music, pick up a book and learn how to be someone whom someone else can love and more importantly RESPECT!

 

Respect is the most important element of ANY relationship, either business or personal. We know this, instinctively. So why would you want to be around anyone who abuses or disrespects you? Hopefully, you will have worked on that self-esteem problem and gotten rid of it BEFORE you get back into the Dating Pool, because otherwise the user and abuser sharks are going to be circling around your silly “carc-ass” like so much chum in the ocean.

 

The thing I wanted to say about career choices is that marriage (or the lack thereof) can usually (but not always) determine your financial success in life. Go back to the beginning of this blog and read what is on the website link about how marriage and career successes are intimately connected. Aside from giving you the opportunity to be exposed to many more dating options, and thus having the money to date a better class of people, career choices give you the flexibility to make necessary decisions. However, being married does not GUARANTEE financial success, --- no more than being financially successful can guarantee marital bliss. However, I can say this with all certainty:

 

FAULTY MARRIAGE CHOICES CAN AND WILL DESTROY YOUR FINANCIAL STABILITY!

Look at it like building a mansion on a sand dune. It might be alright as long as the sun is shining, but the first hurricane that comes along is going to destroy your beautiful home. And, depending upon the severity of the storm or your insurance or your ability to rebuild, you will either be able to recover or you will be devastated for the rest of your life. That is why the decision to marry the right person, UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES WILL BE, and IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION you will ever make in your entire life.

 

The ONLY insurance and assurance that you can get against Marital Destruction is believing in a higher power that can and will guide your steps toward building a better foundation in your life, and more importantly, in YOUR CHILDREN'S lives. Witness the scandals, the divorce rate and the seemingly total collapse of the family structure in our society today.

 

When the family collapses...the society is not far behind.

 

So yes...the microcosm of a simple good marriage has a whole lot to do with the world at large.

That is why it is so important for you to choose wisely! SO...Happy BUILDING!

Your Relationship-to-Marriage Home is almost finished!

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III. TERMINATION

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Termination sounds like such a terrible word because it reminds me of being terminated from my last job. Although it eventually turned out to be a good thing, it was still very painful to go through it. And then, I think about “The Terminator” movie, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger was and still is one of my favorite movies from back in the nineties. The Terminator was a killing machine, who would not be stopped until it achieved its mission of killing John Connor, the little boy who was supposed to grow up to be the leader of the "Resistance Movement" of the future. That sounds a lot like me, and my mission today...to TERMINATE the bad behaviors of people who are fighting to destroy our Society which is being ruled by Satan.

 

I'd have to lose some weight before I could get into one of those tight leather suits like that chick Laura Croft, though....LOL! But, do you see what I just did right there? I said that "I would need to lose some weight...", etc. When in reality all I need to do is keep on writing which has absolutely nothing to do with what I look like. That's because we have been programmed by the society to think that we must do certain things before we can be loved and accepted by the world. This is true in a sense because most of us are like big chunks of coal waiting to be pressurized into diamonds. Then, we'll need a skilled jeweler, or gemologist to turn that huge

diamond into a beautiful piece of jewelry.

 

Well, I am the gemologist and my mission is to show you how to stop as they say in the Bible "casting your jewels (or pearls) before swine." Swine is another term for pigs, which is a metaphor for people or things that are dirty, foul, or unclean. We do not need these people, or those things in our lives anymore therefore, they must be TERMINATED!

 

1. The first thing we have to TERMINATE is: The idea that "You are not good enough."

We Old School people used to say: "God don't make no junk." And, he doesn't --- GOD makes everything good and perfect and then we HUMANS turn it into junk! Even the so-called bad stuff has a purpose, like dynamite... for example has a purpose...but it's what we use it for that determines the outcome. So, why then do I say we must change what is wrong? “Aren't I perfect just the way that I am?”

 

Well, yes...and no! How is your idea of perfect working out for you? Are you getting the results you desire from being so perfect or not as perfect as you want to be? If not...then it's time for a change. Now, I could spend all day talking about how to become a better person...but that's not my job. That's Dr.Phil and Dr. Oz' s job. My job is to tell you that physical and even mental improvements are nice...but without SPIRITUAL improvements, you are just spinning your wheels...going absolutely nowhere.

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2. The second thing we have to TERMINATE is: Ineffective Results.

If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result...that is the definition of INSANITY! If you keep dating or marrying the same kind of person you're going to get the same results. If you keep hanging out with the same people...you're gonna get the same results. If you do nothing to improve your life...you're gonna get the same results.

 

"NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES NOTHING"

 

And, the definition of Intelligence is the ability to learn from your mistakes. It's not how many books you've read, or degrees you have on the wall...It's all about are you becoming an effective being who gets good results. Have you achieved an intelligent level of success in your relationships? If the answer to that question is YES, then you can stop reading.

If the answer is NO or SOMETIMES or MAYBE...then we got some work to do.

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3. The third thing we need to TERMINATE is Negative Influences.

Now we all know what the negative influences are around us, don't we? People, situations, chemicals, drugs, entertainment, etc., etc.; The list will contain ANYTHING that takes you away from who you want to be or what you want to do. Sometimes negative influences are like a swarm of fruit flies or gnats flying around your head and you try to get rid of them but they just keep coming, Right? Well, most of the time all you need to do is simply MOVE...GET AWAY FROM THEM...or even better ISOLATE YOURSELF.

 

This is where you have to LOVE YOURSELF more than you love the influences.

 

If you can't stand being lonely...then you really can't stand your own company. Why would I want to spend time with anyone who doesn't even want to spend time with themselves? As that handsome football player, T.O. said: "I love me some me!" It's not being conceited...it just means that I don't need a bunch of stuff or people, or anything else to be happy. I can read, paint, cook, play some games, investigate the Universe...whatever...I am happy, just to be alive another day. I opened my eyes this morning, and everything else is downhill for the day. (In a good way) I believe that the Lord provides, we live in a beautiful and loving Universe, and I have so much to learn.

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Why should I be sad or anxious ABOUT ANYTHING?

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4. The next thing we need to TERMINATE is: Unrealistic Expectations of the Future.

This a big one folks, because there is a fine line between bursting your bubble and realizing your hopes and dreams. On one hand, I am not going to tell you that you are too dumb to go to Harvard or too ugly or fat to be a model, or that you are an untalented jerk...but I am going to tell you to be REALISTIC about your goals and desires. You are not going to meet and marry a handsome millionaire or a beautiful Hollywood starlet if all you do is play video games, or take care of 20 cats while you surf the Internet dating sites all day.

 

And, speaking of Internet dating...OMG! First off--- very few sites are legitimate, and they just want your money. It's very dangerous to date that way, and you would be much better off taking a class at the local library in basket weaving, or how to use a computer than trying to meet someone on Match.com or E-harmony. Now I am quite sure there are a lot of people who have found dates and gotten married that way, but I would advise you to do your homework; learning about yourself and fixing your personality flaws first. That way if you do find someone you like on those websites, you'll have a better chance of having a more positive experience.

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5. The last thing we are going to TERMINATE for now are: BAD HABITS.

This is another big one folks, and is probably the most important one of all. Because it is usually bad habits that can make or break a relationship. That's because it takes in a whole assortment of things that could be wrong with how you live your life. It's not just things like drinking too much, or smoking or taking drugs...it also includes things like talking too much about anything: God, your kids, your family, your ex, your job, etc. Unless you know that your partner or date is a really good listener, I would suggest that you keep your critiques, complaints and observations to yourself.

 

Doing anything too much is a bad habit...too much shopping, TV, Internet, visiting friends, watching sports, exercising, food, etc. all the usual things, is detrimental to any relationship. But it also includes things like cleaning, reading books on top of books as an escape from reality (like Romance novels), avoiding conflict without resolutions, living in denial, bothering people when they don't want you around, causing unnecessary drama, etc.

 

Bad habits essentially are anything that:

a. Annoys the hell out of other people and

b. Wastes your precious time on this Earth.

 

When you don't learn what you need to do to make positive changes in your life, you are wasting God's precious time.

 

Why should He or The Universe give you what you desire if you aren't doing what God wants you to do?

 

God may want you to get married and maybe not. He may want you to have children, and maybe not.

 

He may want you to merely be a friendly person and get along with everyone and become a Universal citizen...and maybe not.

 

It is up to YOU to discover your true purpose on Earth. _________________________________________________________________________________

SO THINK...WHAT DID YOU COME HERE FOR, AGAIN?

"The energy that we have given a negative spin will also return to us. Perhaps we will be on the receiving end of the same kind of selfish act or harsh word we sent forth. Maybe we will find ourselves in a situation where we must give ourselves to those we have ignored in the past. Whatever the case, we will once again have the opportunity to make the choice: Will we put a positive or negative spin on our thoughts, our words and our deeds?"

From KARMA AND REINCARNATION by Elizabeth C. Prophet

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Whether or not you believe in the concepts of Karma and Reincarnation is a moot point, which means that it is UN-arguable. There are many examples of it in various religious books around the world. "What goes around comes around," "You reap what you sow," ...are sayings that we all have heard and are very familiar with. And I, personally, have seen first-hand how mistreating someone can come back on you, and how treating people well, can be beneficial to you. What does all of this have to do with marriage?

Again, we need a definition:

A. MARRIAGE

1. The FORMAL union of a man and a woman (two people) typically as recognized by LAW, by which they become husband and wife.

2. The combination or mixture of some elements.

Obviously, there have been some changes to this definition over the last hundred years or so, regarding legality, personalities, locations, etc. However, the second part of the definition has not changed...a mixture of elements. But, it is exactly what those elements are that has changed also. Two people may have come together to work out their individual or their collective KARMA. They may have come together to bring a particular child's soul to earth.

 

Whether you believe in KARMA AND REINCARNATION or not, is not important. What's important is that we are here on Earth to learn lessons from one another and the situation of being married (even just dating) is the perfect environment for our souls to get some great SPIRITUAL EXERCISE. When two people live together, they cannot help but learn about human relations from one another.

 

That...My friends, is the purpose of Dating and Marriage.

Modern life is extremely complicated and stressful. Living well in this time of history is difficult to say the least. However, there are a few things that people can do to make life a bit easier.

1. Get a good education.

2. Learn to stay healthy. Even, if you are congenitally ill or disabled you can learn healthier living.

3. Acquire Spiritual information and training.

The influences of our childhood and parents has much to do with our approach to these elements, however as adults we can make our own decisions about how we choose to do this. I am not going to suggest that you study any particular religion or philosophy. What I am going to tell you is that WITHOUT AN EDUCATION in various subjects, you become a very dull, and uninteresting person indeed. You also run the risk of becoming subjected to many negative influences which I have explained previously is something we are trying to eliminate. Therefore, the more educated and sophisticated we become about the world, the easier it becomes to SHARE our ideas, goals and views with others.

 

Marriage is the MUTUAL ATTRACTION of two people's views about the world. I am not making any moral judgments here. What I am saying is that unless your view of the world is compatible to that of your partner's, you are going to have some serious problems. And, don't think that you are going to change someone's views and opinions...that is not your place. If someone does not agree with what you think or believe...keep it moving. NEXT!!

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B. TO HAVE SEX

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One of the most important issue involved in successful marriages is...yes...SEX! Again, I cannot do a thorough discussion of marital sexual issues in this forum. All you need to remember is this: SEX MAKES BABIES, DUH! Protect yourself, get frequent STD screenings, and learn to please your partner WHILE pleasing yourself. Communicating BEFORE SEX actually makes communicating AFTER SEX much easier. Never use sex as a weapon...never use sex for revenge...never use sex to conquer the genders...never use sex to prove your sexuality. Be honest with others and yourself about what your sexual needs and issues are...And get help with those issues, if necessary.

 

I won't go into the issue of infidelity here because my personal views are very different than other people, and are not important. I will say this: if your mate cheats or if you cheat on them, THERE IS A REASON! Investigate the reason, and find a solution. Don't let anger and resentment build and grow because naturally, it will destroy the relationship.

 

When we are young we are concerned about sexual issues and children. As we age, we turn our focus toward career maintenance and financial issues. When we are older the focus becomes our health and surviving retirement. We all want to be loved and that is the most important thing in life. We should seek to maintain good friendships even with family members or the people with whom we are already connected.

 

Being married is the "icing on the cake" of a good life.

But, some cakes are fine just the way they are.

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C. TO HAVE CHILDREN

Making the choice of whether or not to have children is extremely personal. Children are born under very different circumstances, for very different reasons. I could, and I have written several books about what happens when children are not raised properly.

I cannot go into the subject completely in this forum.

 

All I am going to say is this:

1. Children should never be used as tools for creating, maintaining or ending a relationship.

   To do so, is called child abuse in the worse form.

2. A child cannot keep two people together who are not meant to be together.

3. Children should never be used as pawns in any legal proceeding.

4. No one should use another person as a baby-making machine, just because they want a child in their lives. Babies don't stay babies forever...they grow into adolescents and adults with problems that you may have created.

5. If you do not know how to raise a child properly you should forget about having children, period.

6. If you cannot provide a good life for your child because of the lack of education, resources, family support or you have severe health issues, you should reconsider having children.

7. The decision to bring a child into the world should never be taken lightly.

Children are not pets...You can't take them to the pound, or back to the hospital, or the baby store when things don't go the way you planned. Having children is, and should be a decision that you make that’s going to affect THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHILD'S LIFE EVEN MORE!

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D. TO ACQUIRE FINANCES

Mixing your finances with another person is a major issue because essentially, that was the original purpose for marriage. Legal marriage is a fairly recent innovation. 100 years ago most people had common-law unions in which names, homes, money and parental responsibilities were shared, willingly and happily without problems. It was the more affluent citizens who needed the legal contracts to "insure the equitable distribution of assets" in case of divorce, or death of the parties. Today MARRIAGE is actually a two-fold proposition...the spiritual or religious ceremony...and, the legal paperwork. You can have either one without the other, but you cannot resolve any legal issues without the paperwork.

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This goes much deeper than giving up half of your assets in the event of a divorce; it has to do with parental responsibilities, health issues, education, residences, employment disruptions, and a host of other problems that could well be avoided by CHOOSING WISELY!

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Seek to learn how to live well and marriage may or may not be the outcome.

Loving yourself and forgiving your flaws is the key.

You just need to be READY when it comes!

OR, NOT.